I am blessed though, truly blessed with a wonderful fiancée who has given me the space I need to think things through and hold me when I need holding. Blessed with wonderful friends and family who are there for me and help as best as they can in these circumstances.

I’m also thankful for being able to take time out for the first time in 4 years. No exams to worry about or coursework to finish and so I can be still and reflect.

Having said that there are worries and concerns. Our flat in Southsea has fallen through and so we’re off down to Portsmouth tomorrow. Whilst I like the city and its nice to be there doesn’t exactly tie in with how I saw this long weekend break going when I first booked the time off.

Oh well, one year just maybe I’ll be able to be quiet and still but then perhaps its a blessing in disguise that at the moment I can’t be.

4 years on and yeah, these words aren’t the right ones either.

Dan

Numb kind of, like I can’t quite decide how I should feel. Life’s busy and very exciting at the moment but at the same time there’s a part  of me that feels like I shouldn’t be too happy. Like I ought to be on the brakes a little, certainly over this month.

Does that make any sense?

This time last year I was something of a  blubbering wreck, not exactly ideal coming into an exam season! The year before, for some reason I don’t remember being too bad but this year, I don’t know.

It’s all starting to feel like a distant memory, like the pain and guilt I feel are fading and in my head that all feels rather wrong. In my mind I think that I should still hurt but my heart is in the moment and looking forwards.

Sorry this is somewhat self-serving but I’ve always wanted this blog to be a fairly true reflection of me and so it is what it is.

Dan

When we first moved in there were a good few things not as we’d been promised; our garden still had a wendy house, the shed was full of kids stuff and the loft was inaccessible having been assured access. There were some other little things but the end result has meant we’ve never really been able to properly move in and stretch out, there just hasn’t been enough space.

Anyway, last week I noticed the ‘To Let’ sign had gone up in the back garden and thought fair enough (I was going to blog about how quick the time has gone etc but alas never got around to it!). Then on Friday I got a call from the letting agents asking if we had a dishwasher, come on, you’d think they might know that but apparently not.

This got me thinking, wonder how much it’s being advertised for. So I found it online then noticed the available from date, May! Straight away called them and left a message to call back ASAP. Lunchtime today they got and thankfully they admitted their mistake, it has to be said that I was all ready to have to fight our corner though.

What worries me now is that it’ll be a while before we get our deposit back, it shouldn’t be, the house will be fine when we leave it but I’ve just got this inkling!

So my question is are all letting agents pretty bad, or have we just got unlucky?

Of course the other thing this brings to mind is, I want to own a house, heck we both do. Once we’re settled down with our lives a house is surely going to be near the top of the list. It’s not really about owning a property (it could be a flat!) but the convenience that appeals to me. That’s not the right word, I’m not sure what it is but say I want to put a hole in a wall here, a splash of paint there, it’d make life a lot easier if the walls were ours.

Of course I’m sure we’d still argue about the colour of the paint!

Dan

So Friday Rachel came over and Kita got some Christmas shopping out of the way (think I’ll be starting that soon) and Saturday we all just relaxed in the lounge, watching movies and catching up. In the evening we had some HP friends over for a somewhat epic Monopoly game, finishing somewhere between 2 and 3 Sunday morning. Come to think about it though, are there any Monopoly games that aren’t epic?

Sunday was somewhat busier however and I don’t think I was too popular waking Kita up to head back to Oxford. First off I had to go to Richer Sounds to take my poorly CD player back for repairs, then sort out a refund from Halfords and finally go to Debi’s (Kita’s Mum) for dinner.

The left channel has been intermittently cutting out on the CD player and only a full power on/off will resolve it. Seeing as I took the Super Care package out on it I figured I’d best get my money’s worth turned out to really be worth it. I’ve got a loan unit whilst mine is away (2-4 weeks) and the customer service was simply superb. I’d done the usual thing of losing the receipts etc and the clerk was plenty happy enough looking up the purchase. I’ve now decided that on the basis of all the excellent service I’ve got over the years that when it comes to any other purchases, assuming they sell the product, it will come from there.

So I was a happy customer at Richer Sounds and then tried to sort out the battery mess from last week, Halfords’ tried to wriggle out of the refund a little bit. I’m not sure if this was intentional or if they just didn’t understand, who knows? Still it’s all sorted now and my credit card got refunded

The evening saw us having a meal at Kita’s Mums place and well, I guess you can tell from Kita’s post it was… interesting! I haven’t got the time to go into it right now and if you follow the link my comment should give some indication of how things are. I’ll probably post about it later, if anything, just to get my thoughts clear and committed.

So yeah, successful retail experience in the day. Less successful evening.

Dan

Ok, I started this post at work about 11am, feeling very rough, contemplating going home and trying to sleep it off. Somehow I got through the day, coughing and splurting and still slightly productive but as soon as I got home I was out of it. Crashed out on the sofa, feeling rather done for.

Thankfully and mercifully I slept a little bit and Kita wasn’t delayed getting out of work and this evening has been fantastic again

So an early night, hopefully I’ll get some sleep, yawning as I type at 9pm

Dan

Also, we asked my sister to sing for our first dance. Whilst I’ve more-or-less moved out of home now her singing has come on incredibly well. If I remember rightly, quite possibly wrongly, she has now passed her Grade 5, it’s possibly higher, I can’t remember! I’m not positive as to what the song will be yet, Kita has one in her head that I need to listen to, to form an opinion on. All being well the plan is to ask Chris (brother) to form a small band to start the evenings entertainment at the reception and have a DJ/PA equipment, depending on what we can afford going on later into the night.

That’ll be quite nice and cool to have my brother and sister both in the same band for my wedding dance

Anyhow, it was a great evening, really enjoyable but then on the way home I hit a large-ish muntjac deer. It was really gutting, I could see it in that slow motion kind of way but just couldn’t shurg off enough speed or swerve enough to stop the inevitable. It’s a strange kind of thing, you do all you can (there was nothing else on the road) and yet the collision still happens.

The deer wasn’t on the road as we left, no doubt limped off into the night, not that there is a lot we could have done for it. Kita’s a nervous enough passenger at the best of times, something I far too often forget and so that didn’t really help and me. Well, just the sound of screeching tyres, the slow motionness and crunch of the hit, yeah, it bought an awful lot of memories back. Been quiet all this morning.

Gutted.

Dan

There was a letter through the door yesterday saying “Sorry you weren’t in…” we checked the details we had and the install was scheduled for today, the engineer turned up a day early. Kita spoke to Sky who, by the sounds of it all, have made the mistake of not telling us the install date had changed, charming!

So, now looks like we’re not getting a relaxing Sunday morning as the Sky man should be at ours between 8am-1pm. Due to other commitments I’m really hoping for about 10am, hopefully that will give us a little lay in.

So, annoyingly, still no ‘net at home, which is a bit of a pain.

Dan

Dreaming While You Sleep, it’s strange in that it’s more about a hit and run but the sense of guilt is there. The lyrics and the emphasis of the whole song seem just right. I do feel guilty, no doubt about it and I guess that is something that I will carry. I guess I could cut open the lyrics and analyse them one at a time but it’s not productive or useful and to be honest just hurts some more.

Majesty is a song I’ve know for a couple of years but it was only last Sunday at Church that I really took notice of the words:

Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.

It had me thinking on Sunday. At the crash site there’s a tree which grows along the ditch and then goes up when it gets to the road and can see some light etc Well if I remember rightly the car was on a big chunk of it and I spent the first hour at a guess sat on this tree with all kinds of crazy things going around me. Someone and I’ve no idea who, not even a name put a blanket around me. I’ve still got it in fact, somewhere back home I’m sure it’s around. It wasn’t particularly cold that evening but just sitting there in the damp probably wouldn’t have been the best thing.

Anyway, I guess it was mainly a comfort thing. Something to cling onto and hold and that’s how I’ve felt most of my life since. I had nothing by the end of that night, everything that my hopes and aspirations were pinned on went and well now it’s plain to see that has all changed. A lot of the time God feels like that blanket, especially around this time of year and that song, Majesty does a good job of putting my feelings out as a song.

Right, might manage some revision today, maybe.

Dan

I wan’t to get this work out of the way, I should be able to. It’s not particularly hard but it just takes a little concentration and it would seem that at the moment I can’t. It’s so unbelievably frustrating, I’ve got the time to really get a good load of the report out of the way but all I seem to be able to do is search Google for memories.

I wish I had a better coping mechanism than the web. I guess it’s by no means the worse but it feels inadequate. I don’t know, I guess there is no coping method really but you just learn to live with it. In some way it becomes part of the every day, seeing an ambulance earlier didn’t exactly help, it didn’t trigger anything as such, just, I don’t know memories.

Sorry to waffle, I just need to type, something that I care about, perhaps clear my chest a little. Hopefully it’ll help get back to work, hopefully.

Dan

This time of year just feels so busy; exams, coursework, moving, jobs. Seemingly everything for the last few years is in transition at this time of year. Give it a few years though and I guess things will be different, very different. I think I’m looking forward to that in a sense as I’ll be able to reflect and take a few days out. So far I don’t think I’ve been able to do that for the last few years and perhaps I need it, if anything I feel it’s right that I do reflect simply out of respect.

Wish I could concentrate on coursework and preparing for exams. I should be able to, I’m enjoying my course and the work to produce is fairly interesting for the most part but all I feel like procrastinating; reading, playing games and the Snooker World Championship’s a good eye catcher at the moment as well.

I really should be excited by things at the moment and I am but for some strange reason the pile of paper is only rearranged rather than shrunk. I’m thinking along the lines of tasks and trying my best to produce a list and just get things ticked off. Thing is, right now I’m more likely to spend time on making the list.

Prayer for motivation would be good, only 5 weeks left, 5 weeks to work my socks off and get all the marks I can.

Dan