WeeManDan

For the past few months since being at Uni (excluding Christmas) Sarah seems to have been on my mind a little more than usual. In the past few weeks Sarah’s been on my mind a lot more than usual.

For this to make much sense I guess I need to quantify “usual”.  For me “usual” is the occasional thought once or twice a day. These thoughts seem to come through for no apparent  reason and I just accept them. The thoughts come and go. Till now it hasn’t really played on my mind.

I think that Sarah’s been on my mind more recently largely because being away from home I guess I think more about home and Oxford etc I think there is also a little bit in the back of my mind that when I was in Oxford I could (more or less) go to Sarah’s grave or go down that road whenever I felt like I wanted/needed to. In reality this wasn’t very often at all and I don’t actually remember many times where I had that urge. Probably because it was all so near, I passed the road on a weekly/daily basis but now I don’t I feel somehow less attached.

There’s a lot of “I thinks” in this post so far and I suspect it is my mind just trying to straighten itself out and work things out.

I said more recently though Sarah has been on my mind more so than in a long time. It tends to be just my thoughts turning to memories. Like my thoughts develop and in some cases I can put myself in a room with Sarah and relive a memory from a couple of years ago.

I can remember and even see her, sometimes it feels so real. This is a little unusual for me in that I am very bad at remembering anything especially faces let alone being able to close my eyes and reconstruct someone in my mind so for it to happen so easily is odd to say the least.

I am lucky though that I always see her as I got to for such a long time but I must admit I am more than a little frightened that one day I’ll be remembering Sarah and then I’ll see her as if it were the last time I really saw her (it’s really quite hard to not be a little more “graphic”).

I just wonder as to why I’m thinking about her so much at the moment. Even when I was with Kita over the last weekend. I’ve spoken to Kita about it and she was very understanding about it all. I just hope it doesn’t become an issue.

I guess at some time it will though, I can imagine me waking up in a cold sweat one night with the replay button firmly switched on. I just hope that I’ll be able to roll over and hug Kita and that we’d be able to pray there and then.

I’ve heard many times that God takes away some things very quickly to be dealt with at a later date, I wonder if this is just the warm up?

Sorry if this upsets anyone and I’ll delete it immediately if it does but to an extent I am looking for some advice I guess.

Perhaps a little prayer as well.

God bless

Dan